Manny Stiles presents Sports Augury - 2007 NBA Finals Edition

From the guy who introduced you to the Sports Shaman and his divination of the Super Bowl, I present Sports Augury for the 2007 NBA Finals!

The Sports Shaman

After he saw the events unfold during the Super Bowl and how they corresponded with the reading, he was mildly intrigued. He agreed to do more readings throughout the Sports calendar. Well, I saw him last week and since my beloved Phoenix Suns were no longer in the playoffs (I try not to divine things close to me, I let them happen), I asked if he would do a similar reading for the NBA Finals.

He asked me if Steve Nash was playing (he likes saying "Steve Nash"), I said no and he said "Well let's do it anyway"

SS prepares the set and setting

Again, if you forget how this all came about or what the hell it is skim through this... whenever you do a divination, there is preparations that must be arranged. Cleansing of spaces, laying of particular items and garments and burning of mystical vapors before the reading can begin. I was able to procure some fresh alpine turmeric and copal resin to cleanse and prepare the area for the reading... (smells nice, too).

This is a description of actual events. I was not allowed to use a recording device or any electronic device but was allowed to take notes on paper and pen (writer's cramp - I'm too used to typing!) even though the Sports Shaman reads at no particular pace but what the cards allow, I was able to keep up with him better this time (the layout helped)

We entered the chamber backwards as to "re-enter the womb" and to envision a realm of non-duality (nothing is good or bad, it just is). I concentrated on "wanting no outcome but the proper outcome that is to be". In other words, I was supposed to NOT root for the Cavaliers to beat the effing Spurs... just root for an outcome to happen... Ok, "just let it happen", done. Oh well, on to the cards!!!

The reading took place Tuesday with a Crowley adapted Rider-Waite deck. The readings depicted are actual and true and were not altered by any of my "wishes, wants or anticipations" but in parenthesis is "Manny's take" on the translations. The Sports Shaman has never been to the city of Cleveland nor to San Antonio. He could not care in the outcome of the actual games, as he states often "I can't make a difference in the outcome, so outcome makes no difference to me".

Those unfamiliar with tarot readings need to understand that the laying out of cards is NOT a future telling method, but similar to the laying down of a picture and interpreting it's meaning. Call it "entertainment" or have a reading, understand it, encompass it's scope and be wildly entertained...

With the area prepared he told me to be quiet for a moment (no easy feat). He sat and meditated for about 20 seconds before leaping up! Then the Sports Shaman stated he needed to "Smoke a toad, first!"... and left the chamber. I thought, what the funk is THIS going to be about? And he came back in (backwards again) with a thick cigar, a lighter and a cigar cutter. I asked where the "toad" was. He said "I'm smoking it." as he lit up. "It's a Carribean blend called flor de todo (flower of everything) - I call 'em toads for short".

Oh... ok, that wasn't as bad as it could have been... I've learned to never assume with the Sports Shaman, he just might whip a real toad and light it on fire... never know!

So he fired up the stogie, concentrated on the team names and threw a little dusty pile of white sage onto the incense burner

The Reading

Sports Shaman suggested we do a separate reading for each team. But then he was extremely fixated on "seven game series". Seven is very important psychically and in divinations. "seven this...seven that...WHY is there seven? Why not 9 or 5 or 11... seven is significant" On and on (I couldn't write it all)

He wanted to do reading for each of the seven games. I asked "what if it doesn't go seven games?"

Keep in mind that Sports Shaman knows VERY little about the game of basketball. He understands the concept of the game but never played it (or any activity with orbs). He knows Dr. J, Michael Jordan, Wilt Chamberlain, LeBron James, (maybe) Kobe Bryant? and Steve Nash (and a few Suns do to being at my house a few times when Suns games were on). Bu tthat's about it about basketball. Once when watching a game a goaltending was called. Sports Shaman was fascinated that the "cylinder" extended theoretically into space...

So he pondered the names of the teams. (I forgot to bring him pictures of the team logos to examine)

"A Cavalier is a horseman by definition, with an epee and a funny hat. A Spur is a tool used by a Horseman - with an aggressive brutal rowel. Could it be an irony switching of roles where the spur uses the cavalier?"

He asked about the teams' histories in past Finals. I explained the Spurs odd-year run and that this was Cleveland's shot to end the longest championship drought of any of America's 50 largest cities with at least 2 sports teams.

He pondered on how it wasn't only a East-West matchup but also the North-South alignment created a presence of irony. "Irony in an event indicates a symbolic significance to the event."
I started to explain the history of the coaches relationship - and he stopped me and he didn't think the coaches were significant as the series being a seven game format.

"seven... WHY seven? What does it mean?"

So I came up with as many guesses as I could - 5 isn't enough, 9 is too many and any even number just isn't American enough, Mickey Mantle's number, craps, dwarfs, deadly sins, it's an L upside down...I was grasping at straws to appease him...

I said well, "in baseball it's seven because after 100+ years, it just is..." (let's get to the reading, dude!)

THAT opened a can of worms - but a fascinating can at that.

"Baseball is backwards" he said

"What do you mean baseball is backwards?" I defended my life's love.

"The other games have more warlike context. Head to head conflict. Two cities battling it out for supremacy on a field of play. Baseball is more modern, not a symbol of war, but a game to be played and enjoyed more intellectually, not instinctively"

"That's why it's called the American Pastime..." I muttered. "But how is baseball 'backwards'?"
"In baseball, only the defense handles the ball. The defense brings the ball TO the offense in order to defeat them (get them out). The offense's goal is to get the ball far away and only the defense touches the ball" (I never thought about it like that, but yeah...)

"the other sports like football are more warriorlike. You can understand the movement, the battle, but the offense applies the ball. Basketball is more arcane with the weaving in and out. The esoteric rules and combinations of physical movements (running and dribbling at the same time)"

For a guy that can't pick up an orb with breaking his glasses, he sure thinks about these things too much...

Then he brightens like a light bulb. "I know what it is!"

"What what is?" I ask in trembling fear of what "it" could possibly be.

"I came up with a whole list in my head but if you keep trying to boil it down it is a logorhythym of social economics, commercial value... But why not 9? More games would determine a more true outcome... By eleven games the teams would know each other too well and they would even out. It's seven games because it's the perfect balance of how long you can milk a TV audience and still give the illusion of determining a true outcome" he stated matter-of-factly.

"Have you ever heard any NBA conspiracy theories?" I joked... but was relieved he derived an answer acceptable to allowing us to get to the reading (finally)

The Cleveland Cavaliers spread

Shaman chooses to read the Cavs first as he feels it is important as they are a percieved underdog.

First Card - Present Position

Eight of Swords - Jupiter in Gemini - Key word: Interference

Sports Shaman explains "this is a bad card for this position - trouble at the begining, fear of failure. They might be shitting bricks in fear of facing the Almighty Spurs". The next cards will determine the nature of this card's value more clearly.

Manny's take - the Almighty? Spurs??? Don't push it,

Second Card - Spiritual Position

Prince of Wands - Face Card

This card is laid directly above a sword card. Swords and wands conflict. SS says this card represents a person. A young man, swift and powerful, noble and generous with a sense of humor (leBron?) - HOWEVER - with the possibility of ill dignity from the Eight of Swords could represent too much pride.

Manny's take - LeBron has two teams to battle, The Spurs and his own.

Third Card - Instinct Position

Seven of Disks - Saturn in Taurus - Key word: Failure

"This reading is not looking good for the Cavs" says Sports Shaman... The Seven of disks represents earthly matter, money, unprofitable speculation, hopes decieved and disappointment. Sports Shaman thinks the team is on shaky ground facing a hard contest while investing energy on in house ocncerns. He says "if pride arises, pride will slack performance"...

Manny's take - You're right, this is not looking good for the Cavs.

Fourth Card - Passing Position

Two of Cups - Venus in Pisces - Key word: Love

Transitory love in the past position. Card represents harmony, perfect and placid joy and ecstasy. Yeah, like beating the Pistons. Now they're overconfident and lazy... "Folly, dissipation and waste come from this card" utters Sports Shaman.

Manny's take - Is this reading over yet... blech!

Fifth Card - Future Position

Seven of Wands - Mars in Leo - Key word: Valour

"Two sevens in this spread, hmmm." (Here we go again) the SPorts Shaman ponders before continuing "Energy feels itself at last gasp. Obstacles and difficulties arise, yet courage is found to meet them. Victory in small things. They have it in them. Wands are inspiration in their PUREST form."

Sports Shaman explains that this card was not paired with a trump card (thus magnifying the spread) so it may not be enough to overcome, but enough to make it seem really, really close...
Manny's take - Sounds like the Cavs-Pistons Playoffs series last year... Cavs rally back just to blow it at the end, yet still come out of it with someething. Maybe losing to the Spurs in an odd year propels LeBron to MORE greatness?

Overall Spread - Cavs

"LeBron is at the head of the reading, misplaced faith or not enough faith from his teammates is a central problem. LeBron's pride will win if they DON'T put enough faith in him. If they have faith in him and he knows it, his pride will be supressed and true ability will win all the team's conflicts"

"It's gonna be tough and they need to depend on a superstar while preventing a downward spiral in faith So much depends on conduct. Seven of wands when ill dignified represents quarrelling."

Manny's take - the Cavs will be under a lot of pressure and if anyone (cough, cough Drew Gooden) says anything to the media that can get blown up, it will wreck this team. They need everyone to keep cool and for this thing to go seven games to have a chance (Game 7 in San Antone...yikes!) LeBron could do something Magic-ish, something Michael and Kobe never did - win a Game 7 AND on the ROAD!

The Cavs were 2-0 against the Spurs this year.

The San Antonio Spurs spread

First comment Sports Shamen makes about the Spurs while shuffling the deck -"Their rowel is still HOT from raking the Suns!" - "yeah, thanks for rowelling it in, Sports Shaman!" I responded.

Sports Shaman belts out another ponderment "But when you heat metal, it loses it's temper"
Sports Shaman flips the first card...

First Card - Present Position

Ace of Cups - Face Card

"BWAAAAAAAAAAAH!" I chortle from my familiarity of the card and the Cavs doom reading.
"Do we need to continue?" jokes the Sports Shaman.

The Ace of Cups represents the element of water - It is a primordial card and essential form of the Holy Grail (Larry O'Brien trophy?)

"Recieving the impressive. Divine inspiration. SO positive it's ridiculous, even in the eternal sense - destiny is written in a way" he adds.

Manny's take - if a trump card comes up, I'm going to Loss Vegas and betting heavily on a sweep

Second Card - Spiritual Position

Knight of Cups - Face Card

Sports Shaman looks at the card ans asks "Do the Spurs have a star?"

The biggest but no one knows it.

This card has a Knight riding a galloping horse (with clear, visible spurs on his heels) he is holding a large cup (the Stanley Cup?), has dark hair, dark eyes and has a large star on his armor surrounded by smaller +stars (Tim Duncan?) and the horse is galloping towards the sun. Sports Shaman states "The team and the star are in perfect accord. Everything is well dignified (two of the same suit showing). The next card should be telling as well..."

Manny's take - I hate the Spurs.

Third Card - Instinct

Nine of Disks - Venus in Virgo - Key word: Gain

"So well grounded... consider that the Spurs pulled 'gain' in the same position where the Cavs pulled 'failure'" Sports Shaman sounds like a funeral home director at this point as I check my notes, yup he's right!

"Spurs are so confident and it's not hubrus. The have a wellspring of inspiration" What's that? Crushing Suns fans' Summer parade plans?

Manny Stiles - It doesn't taste that bad for vomit

Fourth Card - Passing Position

Eight of Disks - Sun in Scorpio - Key word: Prudence

Disks and Cups, like peanut butter and chocolate happiness... on and on positive signs for the Spurs. Prudence is an indicator that they respect the victories that got them here, not overproud. The card also represents intelligence applied to material affairs (knowing your ring size?)

Manny's take - Only a hard trump card could sway this now... COME ON, TOWER!!! Tower card, tower card, tower card.... Stop!!! (I'll settle for a Ten of Swords if it means a Spurs loss but no one has to die

Fifth Card - Future Position

Four of Cups - Moon in Cancer - Key word: Luxury

"MORE dignified" Sports Shaman finally gets me to understand this bodes well for the Spurs. 'Nuff said. I look at the card more closely.

FOUR of cups. Obviously, there are four cups on it. It is pleasantly shaded and looks celebratory, like a fountain spraying FLOWING water into four trophy like cups... four titles for the Spurs? There's "an outcome" I suppose

Overall Spread - Spurs
"It's pretty clear that they are so prepped that if they should take it easy and follow their destiny the more success they're gonna have. It "seems " biased, but I don't have a personal preference that's for goddam sure" surmised the Sports Shaman. "The Cavs have one thin ghost of a chance - a game seven - they will have to overcome trouble with team and star balance - LeBron might slip up and have things be misinterpreted under tension and the glare of the spotlight. If that happens it might erode team confidence at the wrong time. They can't afford a rift in morale..."

Then Sports Shaman informs me he wants to do a reading specifically for Game 7 (if neccessary) and I delightfully agree (I'm getting him a barrel of numbers and letters cookies - but ALL 7's for Christmas). Besides, I'm a fan of Game 7's no matter what.

Manny's take- Sounds like the Cavs need to pull a "15 strong"-like run - it CAN be done, but I guess I'll finally admit the Spurs will probably win. (unless someone found that genie lamp) But I'm not betting on it (I'm not much of a gambler) and I'm still rooting for the Cavs (and a Game 7)

Getting Oral

There are two definitions of the word Oral. The first, primary meaning is "uttered; spoken" and the second meaning "of or by the mouth". So this relates to BOTH, you sickos!

Hey, I think Tim Duncan is the best basketball player on the planet today (Yes, Kobe, Yes MJ, yes, Bill Russell, this includes you guys too). I've said it for a few years now, look it up. He has amazingly long arms, fast hands and a super soft touch around the basket. At roughly 7 feet tall, his skill set is less frequent than once-a-generation.

That being said, Timmy gets the verbal love almost non-stop whenever the Spurs are on a national TV game. Whenever the TV color guys (usually a former player that played against Duncan) start assessing or analyzing his play it all sounds like this to me:

"Hey that Tim Duncan. What a player! I wish he'd come over here so I could felate him right now. Yup. That's right Tim; right over "man crush" stage, into the I just want to blow you and pleasure you stage. That's what I think of Tim Duncan. Amazing post play, your coverage down low, your backdoor penetration. Who wouldn't want to play with a guy like that"

Then the play-by-play guy always comes in with something like:

"Yeah, you can see why he commands so many double teams! I mean... he has such a soft touch around the rim."

Then it inevitably goes too far...

"Yes, Timmy... you can bankshot one off of my glass!"

Can someone call a double dribble violation on these guys? I mean seriously. The worst part is they go on and on like we DON'T know Tim Duncan is one of the planet's best, we need to be reminded apparently.

So in lieu of this new pondermeant, I suggest calling this phenomenon "Getting Oral"

"Getting Oral" in pure definition is not to be considered good or bad. It's not something that's deserved or not. It's just something that occurs. A person with a microphone and a camera nearby can only compliment a person so far before they get to the point where physically satisfying the subject is all that's left. A player does well, the announcers blither-blather and pours on profusely until you're screaming at your favorite soul-snatching inanimate object (The TV:

"ENOUGH; just go blow the guy already!"

I think it might happen EVERY game in fact, or at least all the games with crappy announcers. The best player in the game makes a play and then "blah-slobber-blah-drool-blah-blah-kissyface-blah" about said player through the next three sequences of play ALL of which were incredibly interesting to YOU, but not the knobpolishers and bonesmugglers on the microphone.

DOESN'T this help to explain the "Tim Duncan face/hands behind the head thing...?

Then the action stops and they cut to commercial. But before they go, they always wrap it up with a video replay of some action in that previous segment. Well, because 7 of the 11 minutes of TV time was spent with TD "Getting Oral", the moron in the truck runs the TD clip that initiated the oral instead of the 3 amazing plays that occurred while oral was taking place.

This just needs to end. Call the game, not a moment in the History of Humanity by declaring a person's Greatness. Afterall, their just a person like us that eats, sleeps, shits and has the same tribulations of the Human Condition as we do. They just Get more Oral...

Sometimes the Oral gets ridiculous. I know some people will close their minds and refuse to hear me out here, but Cal Ripken Jr playing so many freeking games in a row wasn't REALLY worth the slobbering that was doled out. Streaks are bogus feats. I'm not saying they're unimpressive, I'm saying they are mostly luck. And for the millionth time: I'll take the guy who plays great 8 or 9 out of 10 games and has a crappy game or misses a game every so often over the guy who does just enough to maintain a streak. (56 game hitting streaks are even MORE bogus)

Again, Cal Ripken Jr is a fantastic human being. Has done a ton for his community and has touched millions. And yeah, he hit a Home Run in the game on top of it. Just like he hit a home run 430 other times. But there really were 17 other guys on the field 2,030 other times that made it possible for Cal to beat another fantastic human's record... let's hear about them, too.

And of course, there are times where the Oral Love is commanded. I remember back to my dropped-out-of-college days when after a few rounds with Barry Bongs in the basement, I was having a religious experience during a Chiefs game. I wasn't sure if the announcer Giving the Oral was talking about:

Joe Montana, Chiefs Quarterback, 3-time Super Bowl MVP, or

Joe Montana, GOD, creator of all, taking time from his busy schedule balancing all the alternate realities in human form living out it's dreams as a BIG TIME QB on the big stage...

BUT the Chiefs did win on an amazing game and it was directly because of Bird Legs that they won, who wasn't bothered much and then went to his room to masturbate.

Don't get me wrong, don't misinterpret. This is not an expose on human sexuality. This is not a rip on Tim Duncan or Cal Ripken Jr. or Joe Montana. I'm a fan of each. It's not their fault that Television Announcing as an art form has yet to move beyond it's Archaeic Period. It's not their fault that their platform vaulted them to being percieved as "better than human".

For most people, it touches us in our human existence. Fame, glory, fanship that delves into worship... the energies and forces behind these correspond very closely with sexual desires and conquest. You're either giving it or getting it.

But you Mr and Mrs Announcers... We, the fans are only listening to you because we are watching. Until we have broadcasts like we're AT the game with NO announcers, Full crowd noise and in game mics with NO CENSORSHIP please - we know that athletes and sailors curse already... it's widely accepted (and why flood the lip reading market talent pool?)

So until the glorious day that I give out all hope on pro sports, we get a TRUE fan's experience at home or You Damned Announcers learn to ease up on Giving Oral, I'll just keep needling the AM dial and hoping the Givers of Oral there do it the right way... with A LOT less words.

Sports Augury

From my ArmchairGM article...

In an effort to bring fresh sports opinion to the 'chair, Manny Stiles presents Sports Augury with the assistance of his good friend who shall hereby be dubbed "The Sports Shaman". Yes, he is a real person. No, this is not a joke.

I have known the Sports Shaman for years. We play music together, our families break bread together and he has taught me various ancient methods of divination; such as tarot, I Ching, Tibetan Oracle, dowsing methods, etc. as well as many ancient meditation techniques and spiritual rituals.

I approached the Sports Shaman about providing a divination for the Super Bowl.

Introduction to the Sports Shaman
The Sports Shaman knows virtually NOTHING about sports. On the occasions when I have had him to my house for visits, he has caught parts of a game or two on TV (he enjoys Steve Nash's sharing aura and teamwork attributes, but enjoys saying "Steve Nash" much more than actually watching a game). He doesn't follow sports, nor does he ever compete in sports. He prefers to read and study and doesn't even watch TV except when with others. He is an artist by "profession". He does however practice divination, modern shamanism and studies realms of anthropology in order to learn the ways of the spiritual guides that travelled before him.

The Sports Shaman sees "sports as an analog of the totality of the human experience", so while he doesn't care for the result of sport, he has always made high-level observations to the games I've had on when he was there and can seemingly tell things about the participants you and I would never stop to notice. He also recognizes the social impact of professional sports and wonders aloud "Are the players in sport key characters in the cosmic scheme or is it just a game?"

The Sports Shaman will often ask questions as a way of communicating, it is usually very Zen. "What does it mean?", "Is it an omen?", "What is the impact?" are questions that you hear frequently in his presence (and "presence" is a good term for it)

Sports Shaman is a living sports "tableau rosa", meaning blank slate. He knows as much about sports as you know about "augury", and he knows more about divination methods than you know about sports. He doesn't root, cheer or even care about sports. When I first approached him about providing a fortune telling session about the Super Bowl, the Sports Shaman was leery. I had to explain the relevance and importance of the Super Bowl (he was familiar with the "big game", but had never watched one), he then told me that augury was usually reserved for only the most important rituals and the "Super Bowl seemed important enough to splay". I had no idea what he was talking about. He then proceeded to show me a few "specimens" ripe for sacrifice, went into the explanation of how augury works and even asked me which sacrifice would be most appropriate.

Augury is an ancient method of fortune telling in which you have a ceremony to sacrifice a goat (or sheep, although goats are preferred) by hanging it from it's rear hooves and disembowelling the creature. Then as the innards fall to the ground, they are "splayed" about in a manner that you can divine the future from interpreting where they lay.

At that point, I said "How about just a plain old tarot reading". The Sports Shaman sheepishly agreed. But I told him I'm using the term "Augury" for the article title anyway. (Hell, I'm doing a series of these!)

He had to prepare the "set and setting" for the reading and after some bit of debate and near-begging, he allowed me to take notes for the purpose of sharing the reading on ArmchairGM.com. He would not allow me to tape or video record the event as electronic items were not allowed in the reading room due to magnetic resonance decaying the energy of the reading.
(Manny's take -oooooh... kayyyyyeee)

the Sports Shaman's Super Bowl Tarot Reading
This is a description of actual events. The reading took place yesterday with a Crowley adapted Rider-Waite deck (I should have had a reading BEFORE the Mega Bowl of Chess, dammit). The readings are actual and true and were not altered by any of my "wishes, wants or anticipations" but in parenthesis is my take on the translations. The Sports Shaman has never been to Indianapolis or Chicago. Those unfamiliar with tarot readings need to understand that the laying out of cards is NOT a future telling method, but similar to the laying down of a picture and interpreting it's meaning.

I am told to enter the room in reverse, as if re-entering the womb. This is to represent travelling to a space where will and ego are lost and only truth, spirit and energy can thrive. Ok, done.

I sit in the room which suddenly transforms into a psychic chamber and am made acutely aware of "mystic vapors" including white sage, copal resin, valerian root, wild dagga, sandalwood, galangal and alpine turmeric (this is similar to Aleister Crowley's favorite mix). Also, there is ceremonial tobacco in the form of a nice n' fat Dominican cigar.
(Manny's take - I'll take a nice stogie over goat guts anyday).

We agree to do two standard "cross" readings (see attached diagram), one for each team. I wonder who we should read first. Sports Shaman suggests a double sacred coin selection method in which we first determine with one coin who will be heads and who will be tails, then flip the second coin to see who gets read first. Both coins end up heads (bet ehads on the coin toss, y'all) and it determines that the Colts get read first.

There is the triple shuffle, triple cut, off-hand selection method used to lay the cards.


This is a standard 'cross' tarot spread Indianapolis Colts Spread
Five cards are laid face down in the "cross" and are turned over one at a time.

Colts Card One - Center/Present Position
Seven of Cups - "Debauch" - Venus in Scorpio
This card represents over-confidence, over-indulgence or hubrus
The Colts may be celebrating more than neccessary, may be getting greedy or just happy that they're there

(Manny's take - Are the Colts more happy they beat the Pats than they are playing in the Super Bowl?)

Colts Card Two - Psychic/Spirit Position
Princess of Disks
A cinderella figure with hidden powers; earthy yet subdued figure with a helmet that has rams' horns attached
Element on the brink of transfiguration

(Manny's take - The Colts have some mind games up their sleeves... trick plays?)

Colts Card Three - Instinct Position
Ten of Wands - "Oppression" - Saturn in Sagittarius
The wands are black with fire and have mean heads
crossed powers of completed energy that have lost their patents of nobility
forces detached from spiritual purpose

(Manny's take - Will the Colts deviate from what got them here, lose their instinct?)

Colts Card Four - Past Position (leads up to present position)
Knight of Disks
Grounded and securer of earth, the knight is sitting on a horse(Colts!!!); down to earth with the power of violence in use of defense, may indicate a stong defense
Sports Shaman explains this might represent a particular person or leader and also warns that this card leads into the first position "Debauch" and that a defense should be cautioned to not be overconfident.

(Manny's take - Umm... this card represents Tony Dungy, what they went through and his getting the Colts there with his demeanor and strong defensive mind)

Colts Card Five - Future Position (travels beyond present position)
Ten of Disks - "Wealth" - Mercury in Virgo
A deceptive card that indicates the fultility of material gain, but could also mean success if they avoid greed and pitfalls
Normally a great card to get in a reading, but after "debauch" it could lead to meaningless success

(Manny's take - Sounds like a Colts victory to me, but they still end up getting disrespected for some reason)

Sports Shaman's Colts Spread Translation
"The anticipation of wealth may be the drive to win over the true purpose of winning, which is to be the best."

"They should play to strengths, avoid over-confidence and stay grounded in the powers of the Knight (Coach Dungy?) that got them there. Overall, a lot of earth signs"

(Manny's take - Maybe the Colts should stick to the ground game...)




Chicago Bears Spread
The air of seriousness and tension is broken when we begin the Bears reading. Sports Shaman says "da Bears!" catching me offguard (and I almost lose it completely... Apparently he's seen some SNL). The cards are reshuffled in the prescribed manner and five cards are laid face down in the "cross" and are turned over one at a time.

Bears Card One - Center/Present Position
Seven of Disks - Failure - Saturn in Taurus
(Uh, oh Bears fans...) Doesn't look good, but could be surprising
Could mean failing OR afraid of failing, meaning that could push them to trying HARDER. Could be present doubt, but they are not over confident
The good side is, honorable work undertaken for the love of work with no expectation of material gain.
Sports Shaman points out this is exactly opposite of the Colts future card.

(Manny's take - The Bears are toast)

Bears Card Two - Psychic/Spirit Position
Three of Swords - "Sorrow" - Saturn in Libra
Low Morale, darkness of the great sea, delay; absence and separation
May have discord and strife among the team on spiritual level

(Manny's take - Grossman vs Urlacher?)

Bears Card Three - Instinct Position
Ten of Cups - "Happiness" Mars in Pisces
Can overcome spiritual discord due to lack of confidence
They will work harder, practice harder to overcome lack of confidence

(Manny's take - they ARE the NFC team, they need to wok harder)

Bears Card Four - Past Position (leads up to present position)
Five of Wands - "Strife" - Saturn in Leo
Sports Shamen mumbles "a lot of Saturn cards, Jupiter... outer planets"
(this card tells a lot and has three layers)
Purely active force, balanced energy
Five of wands is "chief adept" to Cadusius - Sports Shaman draws a comparison to the medical symbol of the staff and snake, Cadusius and wonders aloud if the Bears have had injuries! (Umm... YEAH!)
"secondarily adept" to "Phoenix" overcoming; new born from the ashes of old (maybe it just refers to the Cardinals Monday night game?)
"Third adept" is the lotus, or unfolding of energy; opening up.

(Manny's take - OK, my head is spinning now)

Bears Card Five - Future Position (travels beyond present position)
Adjustment - "Justice" - VIII
(the first "trump card" pulled. Trumps carry more power than suited and face cards)
Represents a woman (or female energy) satisfied, symbolized by the scales in which she weighs the universe. Indication is that only through overcoming continued strife of past will they overcome morale issues. They need balance.

(Manny's take - If the Bears keep the game close early, feel like they can hang with the Colts and get confidence, they could win)

Sports Shaman's Bears Spread Translation
"Their view of the contest takes place on a larger scale than that of the opposition. Their lives and souls are involved more than personal pride. It's a trial, epiphany; over recognition and financial gain"

"It seems the Bears will have a harder time winning but would result in a more enjoyable and more significant victory."

(Manny's take - the Bears are toast, or IF they can overcome the struggles within, they will go down as a memorable Super Bowl winner!)

Cut Readings
Cut readings are made by shuffling the deck in the standard manner and reading the card pulled. For this part, we chose to do individual readings for the offense, defense and special teams for each team. The card would define significant questions and strategic realities they will encounter.

Colts Offense Card - Ace of Disks
The first card of the suit of disks. Disks typically represent money, wealth, material gain and general success.
Sports Shaman says "Colts have a lot of disks. Ace is the arche..." and he paused to cough...) "archetype of earth or material gain." (It sounded like he said "Archie"! Keep in mind Sports Shaman couldn't tell Peyton Manning from Carol Channing, but that was weird!)
This card has a spiritual origin and Sports Shaman finds it weird that this card came up, but doesn't quite explain why... "it's primitive earth. The twin sister of air AND it's bride; earth and matter as such, the whirling planet" (the ball perhaps?).

Sports Shaman pauses, then states "staying on the ground is the way to go"

(Manny's take - It's "weird" all right, this card is Peyton Manning and he better stick to the ground game with an earth card)

Bears Offense" Nine of Disks - "Gain" - Venus in Virgo
has a lot to do with trios. Completion of material gain.
Trios very important, thrice three is important

(Manny's take - three field goals perhaps? Three Running Backs, Three recievers?)

Colts Defense The Lovers - VI - another trump card
Openness to inspiration and intuition
It has a distinct negative quality of superficiality
Shows the use of intellectual processes in uniting two elements

(Manny's take - The Colts may have to adapt their gameplan to the situation)

Bears Defense Four of Wands - "Completion" - Venus in Aries
Original will of two transmitted through three is now built into a solid system of order

(Manny's take - Sports Shaman just grinned like he knew EXACTLY what that meant, I am completely baffled as to how it applies)

Colts Special Teams Princess of Swords
Materialization of the idea and incarnation of the dynamic eruption

(Manny's take - Will the Colts run one back?)

Bears Special Teams Adjustment - VIII
Sports Shaman seems displeased for the Bears; "that was also their future outcome" in the cross reading

(Manny's take - Things are clearly stacked against the Bears)

Overall Cut Readings
Two simple questions, Two cards that's it.
Question One: I draw the card...

How will the game play out?
Two of Wands - "Domination" - Mars in Aries
Sports Shaman says "Domination. That's all you gotta write"

(Manny's takes - 1- Sports Shaman was getting obviously annoyed by my slowing down of the reading by taking notes the whole time and 2- Obviously I wrote more)

I draw the second card to answer...

What is the Outcome?
The Card - Death - XIII - another trump card
While most people would see the "Death" card as a bad omen, it really isn't. It represents the Phoenix rising, a rebirth of new from the ashes of the old. Every time something dies, something new grows up from it. It also favors the underdog and leaves things unclear for a time of settling.

(Manny's take - Peyton sheds the choker label, but has a mediocre game?)

The final analysis of the reading
Sports Shaman and I agreed that it seemed to favor the Colts in dominating fashion. But it seems they won't win unless they stick to the ground. Maybe the Special Teams will provide the difference. Peyton will get the win and have a less than mediocre game while the Bears will play valiently and take pride in what they have accomplished. Sports Shaman also hinted there might be signs that it is actually a conclusion for the Colts and a begining for the Bears.

It's not that the Bears can't win, it'll just take too many things to have that happen. If the Colts are overconfident, the Bears will win easily. I just don't see Tony Dungy allowing his players to get cocky.

Maybe losing the Super Bowl will fuel the Bears to greater heights next season and winning might signal the end of a fairly dominant Colts run.

So take from this what you choose, but choose wisely.

The moment it happened - Jumaine Jones played

Nov 11, 2006 - Phoenix, AZ - Phoenix Suns 96, Memphis Grizzlies 87 - Box Score

Well... after Coach D'Antoni promised we'd see more grit and effort from our beloved Suns. We did. And without our heartbeat, Raja Bell. The Suns made cupcakes out of the Memphis Grizzlies. Going on a stretch of the game between the 2nd and 3rd quarters where the Suns outscored the Grizz 55-12!

Everyone is talking about Amar-knee Stoudemire's knee except him. He's talking about a monster night he had making the Grizzlies crap their pants and on the boards to go along with his 25 point performance on 10-14 shooting. First post-surgery double-double if you're counting from home (first of many more).

The actual moment it all came together for the Suns - I'm talking about how the Suns season took a dramatic change in the second quarter when Coach D pulled the Jumaine Jones card - Now I like Jumaine, he's a dirt worker and he plays hard; just imagine if he was good!

Jumaine James got his first action in a Suns jersey and it was the turning point of the season. I mean it. My wife pondered angrily "what the hell is HE doing out there?" Then it hit me... The rest of the Suns were probably thinking the same thing. It woke them up. It caught them off guard (all of us too!)

Jumaine let his presence be felt on the stat sheet too! 0-7 shooting (0-5 from 3pt land), a travelling call, 2 fouls and 3 rebounds in 13 special minutes. 0 points couldn't have been more effective.

It was 39-38 Grizzlies up when Jumaine Jones came out of the game for a breather. It was 86-54 when supersub Pat Burke came into the game during the third quarter for his first action this season. Mop up time! Yeah, he went 0-3 pretending to play shooter instead of a 6'10" big body and banger. Then Eric Piatkowski came in to make any argument for his entry into the 3pt contest (0-3 in 4 minutes) go far, far away.

The Suns bench guys blew it bigtime. Amare, Nash, Marion, Barbosa and Diaw had to close the game out and the Suns finished with 7 points for the quarter...Seven.

So Coach clearly sent two messages in the game. #1) You need to play hard. If you don't Jumaine Jones will for you. And #2) The scrubs need to play hard. Or you won't and the starters will for sure.

Memphis scouting report: Mike Miller is either gay or wants us to think he is. That hairband he wears is super-beyond ridiculous. Sixth man all right. Maybe he should switch jerseys with #22.

The Rookie looked like he's gonna be good. He looked like a rookie at times, but 14 and 9, that's not bad.

I'll always remember Stromile Swift as a Houston Rocket.

Chucky Atkins - consummate pro. He had 20 pts, 5 assists and 4 rebounds in a yeoman's effort.

Maybe I'm being blatently sarcastic, but I think the Grizz miss Pau Gasol. But yeaaahh.... Umm cough cough... The FIBA World Championships are ummm... cough cough... still a great idea.


Six days off!!! Six whole days!!!

next game - Saturday home against Philly and then to complete ANOTHER back-to-back, at Utah on Saturday...

I don't know what to say...

Nov 9, 2006 - Phoenix, AZ - Dallas Mavericks 119, Phoenix Suns 112 - Box Score

First off, can we just call him Amar-knee Stoudemire already? I want to puke EVERY time the stupid announcers talk about his freeking knee. It's fine, already!!! His LEFT knee (the one with the microfracture surgery) was fine LAST SEASON! Remember when he came back for 3 games last season? He shut it down to get minor arthroscopic surgery on the other knee because he was over compensating.

Guess what? There ARE successful microfracture surgeries taking place in the world. Reeeeally, there are. Amare's knee wasn't as bad as Jason Kidd's or Penny Hardaway's. They didn't drill anywhere near as deep into Amare's knee as the did on Jamal Mashburn or Chris Webber and (here's the kicker) he was a LOT younger than any of those dudes when they got their surgery. So SURPRISE!!! He recovered faster than any of those yokels. So PLEASE for the love of GOD, PLEASE stop with the knee-knee-knee-knee-knee talk. It's been OVER a year. Use some of the talent they pay you for and give us what's going on NOW.

Needless to say, Amar-knee played 33 minutes tonight. Needless to say, Amar-knee had some MONSTER dunks, looked explosive and Amar-knee even played some D. And we still lost... what the...

Steve Nash was one assist away from a triple double! 20 points, 9 assists, 10 turnovers!!! Eeek!

Leandro Barbosa played really good on both ends. Got his stroke back and led all scorers.

Shawn Marion had one of the meanest dunks I've ever seen him throw down (an oop ON Dirk Nowitzki's noggin).

And enough about Boris Diaw being fat... sidebar alert!!!

Specifically, Sports Guy - you have NO idea what you are talking about - just admit you fear the Suns, you're jealous of the Suns and that you really have NO idea what you're talking about (Southern Cali has decimated your abilities). There was NO way TimThomas was gonna re-sign here (with Amar-knee AND Krazy Eyes coming back) he wasn't going to sign here for the money we gave Marcus Banks (a pretty good defender for a jack-'em-up guy) and we didn't want him - he's STILL Tim Thomas, afterall. ESPECIALLY when another Tim Thomas-like player would bounce our way eventua... Whoops!!! Lookee, it's Jalen Rose looking for a shot at a title! And we didn't need Eddie House back (oh, yeah... he'll miss the whole season anyway).

One last thing, Sports Guy - You used to write you like were baking us chocolate chip, sugar, macadamia AND peanut butter cookies... now the same old cookie is starting to taste like a cracker. (Stop relying on your readers and friends to give you your ideas)

We really missed Raja Bell's tenacity (he'll miss at least one more game with bruised ribs). And we lost.

We lost the turnover battle, we lost the rebound battles (by 12), we lost the battle at the free throw line (by 17), so we lost the game. One and Five. How 'bout that for a record?

Just didn't look like the Suns out there but for a few flashes. The Mavs had a 25-4 run to close out the first and both teams shot really well from the field. But it all comes down to one thing for the Suns to be successful. Keep the game MOVING! They need defensive 'bounds to start the break. They need to stop giving the game away to the other teams by sending them to the line. We've led EVERY game this year in the 4th quarter and under 4 minutes left. And we've lost every game but one. If you take away the difference in free throws, we win every game...

Interesting note: SI writer Jack McCallum has a new book coming out next week about the Suns called :07 seconds or less about his stint as an assistant during last season and apparently a few excerpts from it really pissed off Amar-knee. There some questioning of Amar-knee's rehab habits, Amar-knee says it was completely out of context and Coach D'Antoni agreed. Goes to show you aspiring writers out there; if a team lets you "guest coach" don't expect to get FULL access. And if you do write a book about your insights, expect to look foolish. But it's supposedly still a good read by one of the better SI writers.

Randomness about Business I need to get out of my head:

-Adidas: your new warm-ups are pretty damned ugly. They look like a sports bra from the back.

-Dodge: your stupid truck commercial; when the guy asks for a jump, then the guy with the Dodge truck hits the gas, the car blows up and comes back down, you know that one? Stop it. A) it's stupid A2) Stop running it twice during EVERY commercial break you sponsor and B) it REALLY freaks my 14 month old son out, EVERY TIME! He turns toward the TV in horror when it comes on...

Dallas scouting report: Screw the Mavs. Before I just wanted to beat the Spurs in the playoffs, but now I want the Suns to beat the Spurs AND the Mavs in the playoffs.

Next game: Home vs. Memphis Grizzlies on Saturday, then a little break until next Friday before ANOTHER back-to-back!

Yeah! We made it to .200!!!

Nov 8, 2006 - San Antonio, TX - San Antonio Spurs 111, Phoenix Suns 106 (OT) - Box Score

Suns are now 1-4 (.200 winning percentage!)

Damn it! I didn't get to see the game last night until the last 5 seconds of regulation and the OT. Iwas out playing basketball myself, going 1-80 from the field and ready to cut my mutinous hands right off of my arms...(a story for another time) But I did get to hear most of the 4th quarter on the radio on the way home. Vinny Del Negro is the color guy along side of former TV play-by-play man/old coot Al McCoy. I still love McCoy, he's a little nutty and his "shazam!" every time someone nails a three pointer still gets me, every time. But Vinny Del Negro is like a broken record. He says "move the ball side to side" at least 45 times a game. Either they are "moving the ball side to side" or they need to "move the ball side to side". Great insight.

Meanwhile on TV, my FAVORITE color analyst, Eddie Johnson tells it just like it is. He is one of the best I have ever heard. I get the idea he doesn't want to go national and commentate on a big network channel, but he'd be great! He is so insightful, all the players know and love him. And when he doesn't do the color commentating, Dan Majerle does! He's extremely entertaining! Both Eddie and Dan are very cool cats that make watching a game a little more fun (especially because they're both HUGE Suns homers!)

Anyway, the game. My wife watched the whole thing and said Amare must've read what I wrote about him. She said he came out ferocious and attacked. Too bad foul trouble held him to 15 minutes and knocked him out of the game with 4+ minutes in the 4th quarter (although Al McCoy said it was a bad, bad, bad call by the ref since a shot clock violation should have occurred BEFORE the foul call). Of course, once Amare was out, the game went downhill.

Overall, the Suns played pretty good defense, but basically lost the game (again) at the charity stripe

I don't know what it is about this team. they have led every single game this season LATE in the 4th quarter and won only one. hey haven't closed out games. The killer instinct isn't there. Now, the Spurs just seem to do this to us every time for the 5+ years. I'm kinda getting nauseous recalling all of the games we "should have" beaten the Spurs. Hmmm... Oh yeah, that Tim Duncan guy is pretty good. Except at sealing games from the free throw line

Raja Bell was bigtime clutch with the game on the line last night, hitting a 3 pointer with 7 seconds left when were down 4, then he took the ball to the rack and got fouled down one with 1.6 seconds left. Made the first and then NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! He choked the second!

So to OT we went. We had it, man we had it!

So Bell got sandwiched on an elbow to the ribs from Parker and slammed into Tim Duncan early in OT and had to leave the game in obvious pain. Got the wind knocked out of him, and absolutely took the wind out of the sails of the Suns in OT. Dude is tough, but when he is in pain like that, you know it hurts.

Great quote after the game from Raja: “I hit the ground wrong, and when I fell I heard a crunch. Thank goodness the X-ray was negative,” Bell said while his ribs were being wrapped in an ice bag.
“I thought it was a break, but I thought the second free throw was in the basket. So what do I know?”

So back home tonight against the 0-4 Mavericks. WOW! What a re-match of last year's Conference Finals this should be! 1-4 vs. 0-4!!! Raise your hand if you saw this coming, liars!

Interesting fact #37875: The Suns have started the season 1-3 EACH of the last 5 seasons... however, this was the first time in that streak that they failed to win game #5. Hmmm... Each of the previous 4 seasons, the Suns failed to win the Championship, maybe this losing game #5 thing is the key to winning it all.

All in all, it's probably best that the Suns didn't start out on a hot streak. They were picked by many to win it all and were on everyone's radars. now they aren't such the target.

Spurs scouting report: Fabricio Oberto played the PERFECT game last night 11-11 and 10 rebounds. Coach Popovich said "He's the ugliest productive player I've ever been around," Popovich said. "He looks like a bull in a china shop out there."

Yes, I'll say it again, Tim Duncan is still very, very good and for the most part, I can't stand Tony Parker.

Next game: finish off the back-to-back home against the Mavericks.

Uh, Phoenix... we have a problem...

Amare Stoudemire is starting tonight at San Antonio. Some people around these parts are excited about it. I'm a little concerned. Not for the typical physical reasons. Yeah, maybe it's Coach D'Antoni is trying to get Amare rolling against the team he last played great against (the Spurs in the 2004-05 conference finals) or making matchups work (even though Kurt Thomas has always played Tim Duncan tough). Maybe this is a way to spark Amare a get a fire under his butt. Maybe this just Coach trying to pick and patch a lineup that works, but I see right through it.

I'm as big a fan of #1 as anyone but I said before, Amare needs to get his head right. That was a veiled way of saying that Amare needs to stop be a pouting, little pussy and play basketball. He has been way too snippy and throwing glares at Coach D when he's been taken out. Amare is clearly in his own head. He needs to get over the fact that he isn't the monster he was right now., but he CAN still be a very effective player. He should just stop thinking and do what he is told to do. He's not the whole team. A thumb cannot pick up a boulder by itself. The thumb needs help from all the fingers, often from the other hand as well... this season is the boulder.

Obviously, Amare needs to adapt, change and overcome his struggles with the knees. One day he says he's 100% the next he says he's hurting. He's merely a young buck raring to go and be dominant like he was. Have some patience, Grasshopper... You're not another Penny Hardaway or Chris Webber, you'll get over the knee stuff, but either way, your game STILL needs to adapt or else...

So Mike D'Antoni decided to slap Amare into the starting spot, basically to let him:
A) Quit his bitching
B) Start playing like a basketball player and not like a whiny bitch
C) Stop Thinking and let the game flow to/through him
D) or fall flat on his face against San Antone and Dallas, get humbled to the point he HAS to bend to the program

The tell tale sign is in a Steve Nash quote. He was asked what it meant to move Kurt Thomas to the bench and start Amare. Nash stated "I guess it's worth a shot". That sums it up. When Nash is geting tired of the act, he won't hold back about it. He's hoping that Amare gets his ass in gear without his head in it. That's why I love the MVP. He's cool, calm, never gets too excited about things, but he knows what needs to take place. Guys need to get on board and play "Suns Basketball" for more than one quarter at a time.

Thank GOD Krazy-Eyes Kurt is a consummate pro and can handle doing what the team needs (as far as the basketball part goes, anyway)

Now, if we can just get Diaw in form. He's out of the starting lineup in exchange for Barbosa. This actually makes sense from a basketball perspective, not as much for behavioral reasons. Bringing Diaw off the bench as a point-forward makes Diaw a tough matchup for the Spurs AND gets Barbosa'a speed into the starting lineup.

And lastly, let's break Marcus Banks of the jack-it-up mentality. Psst... Marcus. Come 'ere a minute... Suns basketball works like this. Push, push, push, penetrate and get the ball to the easiest shot... it's ok to shoot, but make sure it's the best shot available on the floor before you hoist it up. Just firing up long jumpers ISN'T Suns basketball...

It's not a big game and it is tonight... huge if we win and hopefully something we can build on if we lose (that sounds like loser talk, eh?)

Go Suns!

The Answers to "Fudging with Numbers" (Nov 6, 2006)

From this article on ArmchairGM

"Paul" is Joseph Paul DiMaggio, 1941 stats

"Sam" is Theodore Samuel Williams, 1941 stats

Games are (+ 10) each
Avg, OBP, hits and OPS are (x .75)
2Bs are (- 10 each)
3Bs, , SBs and BB are (x .5)
K's are (x 4) (I had to super multiply them to keep people off of the impossibly low 13 K's for Joe and 27 K's for Ted that year

Of course, Joe D won the MVP that year, and it's still fishy to this day, especially when you look at the REAL stats.... 56 game hitting streak is nice and all, but .406 for a SEASON?!?!?!? That's ridiculous!


"Eric" is David Americo (Arias) Ortiz in 2006

"Andy" is Derek Sanderson Jeter in 2006

Games are (- 10) each

AVG, OBP, Hits, HRs and RBI are (x .9)

SBs are (x 1)

BB, Ks and OPS are (x .9)

And we won't know for a couple of days who will win this one (if it is even one of these two guys!?!?!?)

There you go... "Fudging with Numbers" Thanks for playing. I still don't know what to make of it...

A Tale of Two Teams

Nov 4, 2006 - Lose Angeles, CA - Lose Angeles Clippers 114, Phoenix Suns 108 - Box Score

Suns record to date: 1-3

Man, this team has been VERY Jekyl and Hyde so far this year. It's like there's two different teams wearing Suns unis. Sure they're a different team when Steve Nash is in versus when he is resting on the bench. But tonight there was several "other" teams playing for the Suns. I'm gonna chalk it up to it being early in the season and still having some training camp in Europe hangover.

The Suns played too much like other teams and not enough like themselves tonight. The settled for jumpers, they fouled WAY too much (Kurt Thomas, Raja Bell and Leandro Barbosa all fouled out). Kurt Thomas had a good game and Shawn Marion played his usual great (25pts, 15 rebounds) and also logged his 1000th career steal. The Suns just missed too many opportunities. They settled for taking too many ill-advised long jumpers. Hell, they had about 5 airballs!

The Suns are a team of runs, good and bad. Cocach D'Antoni is still playing mad scientist, trying to find units that will flow and play "Suns basketball". It's there at times, but they haven't sustained their style for more than one quarter in any game yet in this young season.

It seems the Suns want to play to the level of their competition. That's not agood thing considering how tough the Western Conference is this year. On the plus side, we get to see Jalen Rose, who will officially sign with the Suns on Monday, try to find a way to mesh into the rotation. He may be JUST what we need right now on this mostly young team, some veteran leadership.

In other Suns news: Leading Ownership Partner, Robert Sarver was the first team owner in the NBA to be fined for complaining about officiating under the league's new "No Tolerance" crackdown. The sub-billionaire was fined $25,000 (or approximately a lunch + tip) for bitching about crappy officiating during Wednesday's win against the Clippers at home. Good for him... maybe next time, he can send ME $25,000 and I'll write a whole article bitching about the crappy officiating (just an idea, Robert)

Clippers scouting report - Brand is the modern day morphed bastard spawn of Charles Barkley with Karl Malone; and a class individual to boot. Chris Kaman has to be one of the best five 7-footers in the league. Corey Maggette is one tough dude considering how much he gets hurt. Everything they say about Shaun Livingston is true including the fact that he can't shoot a jumper with any accuracy. Overall, I'm stil not concerned with the Clippers. Sure they're not your older brother's Clippers, but they're not going to win any Division titles anytime soon, either.

Next game - Monday at San Antonio... I'm licking my chops!

"Out of Synch"

Nov 3, 2006 - Phoenix, AZ Utah Jazz 108, Phoenix Suns 104 - Box Score

I said it before. The Jazz worried me. They are a tough team (Jerry Sloan coached team). They play everyone tough. And they seem to just plain have the Suns number. They have a way of getting the loose balls, fighting for every possession and roughing up players that stymies the Suns' rhythm.

The Suns were "Out of Synch" (Coach D's words). They weren't able to get out on the break, they were taken out of their game, they were pounded inside and when Leandro Barbosa's layup rimmed out with 9 seconds left, it was over.

The Suns went to the line ALOT tonight AND shot free throws very well. But, let's be honest, the Suns play best when the game doesn't get slowed down. The Jazz frustrated Amare, they rendered Boris useless. They clawed, scratched and just plain wanted this game more. But I'm still not worried. There are plenty of things to take away from this game.

Raja Bell kinda warmed up tonight. I'm not sure if it was him getting a rhythm or him just being fired up to play his old 'mates.

The Suns shot very well from the line (even though they're still whiffing from 3-land). Normally the Suns DOMINATE a game when they win the battle of Free Throws, but they were manhandled tonight by a very gritty team.

Leandro Barbosa has been a lion this year. He started tonight and boosted the team's energy. He ahas REALLY stepped up and played good this season. Hell, we'd be 0-3 if it wasn't for him! He shot threes, made plenty of nice defensive plays and he is THE quickest player in the NBA. The thing about him is he doesn't look fast until you see players run next to him. The man is effortless.

Shawn Marion - I've barely mentioned you this year, #31. Don't fret, you are a STUD, Matrix! Inch-for-Inch best rebounder in the League. Solid performance again tonight from the Human pogo stick. We'll get more pub here for you, Shawn!

Amare got frustrated tonight. The Jazz got into his mental framework and flustered him, clearly. Be patient young buck, it will come. (Amare will have a 50 point performance within a month... he's starting to get angry, and someone will pay)

Do you SERIOUSLY think the Suns will shoot 29% from 3 every game this year? If you do, start packing your fishing equipment. Mama said there'll be games like this...

Coach D admitted after the game that Boris Diaw is a bit hesitant in his play and just needs to get his flow back. Clearly, Boris is in his own head, too. Alot of people have been saying he got fat, he's out of shape... on top of this he just signed a fat new contract. 3D just needs to relax again and play the game, not try to live up to invisible expectations. Of course, he'll be fine. He's a fine character, a smart individual and a player with talents unlike any current player. I call him "Magic Junior"

All in all, I think tonight's game was GREAT for the Suns to experience. Yes, I said GREAT!!! They need to know EVERY TEAM will be gunning for them. Every team is going to:

-try to shut the run down
-try to show the Suns are "overrated"
-try to get a piece of the Suns since they are so highly rated.
-try to muscle the Suns (sorry, but THAT won't work for long)
-try to beat the Suns at their game if muscling them doesn't work (that won't work either)
-throw the kitchen sink & all their bigs at the Suns

The Suns have another tough game tomorrow in Lose Angeles against the Clippers (again). Me thinks they will take out some more frustration on the Clips and reassert themselves just in time for the Spurs-Mavs back to back coming up. We'll see how Jalen Rose fits into this squad. Maybe the Suns were thinking about that tonight too, instead of concentrating on the Jazz?

Hey, I still LOVE this team, their makeup, their future. I still have one small concern. I feel like I've been here before. This team is SET for the future. Lots of young talent, all signed to long contracts. Everything seems bright. But the fear of something messing this up before it develops is very prevalent within me. I pray that it isn't something tragic, but I'm scared for the worst to screw this all up - Nash's back, Amare's knees, Diaw's whatever... Coach D flipping out, grabbing a pile of guns and taking out a mall... I just hope that NOTHING keeps this from being a run of titles. I want it. They want it. Phoenix wants it. I just know how hard it is! Maybe, I'll just enjoy it each day, every day in the meantime (Oh, wait. That's what I AM doing!)

Utah scouting report - FEAR the Jazz! I kid you not. they're gonna beat your team too! I'm a big as fan of Chris Paul as the next guy, Deron Williams was the right pick for the Jazz. Kid is the real deal and Jerry Sloan-worthy tough! Kirilenko is STILL a freek talent, Carlos Boozer is the Carlos Boozer the Jazz paid for (and he's very easy to hate) and Matt Harpring is the best football player in the NBA. I respect Jerry Sloan SO much. He has a roster of eh's and so what's and I legitimately fear playing them!!!

Next game - another back-to-back: tomorrow in L.A. against the Clippers (then we won't see them again 'til after the All-Star game.

Yeah! We made it to .500!!!

Nov 1, 2006 - Phoenix, AZ - Phoenix Suns 112, Lose Angeles Clippers 104 - Box Score

In came the Lose Angeles Clippers and out came win #1. The Phoenix Suns scratched and clawed their way, all the way back to .500

Geez, Tim Thomas certainly finds ways to help the Suns win, eh? Even in a Clips uni, Ole' #2 played like #2. But that wasn't the big story.

The BIG story was how good Amare Stoudemire is looking. He threw down a few mean jams, played tough and very strong on the inside and even played pretty good defense! Everyone is concerned with Amare's knees - I'm here to tell you something: his knees AREN'T the problem. He needs to get back into basketball shape, MENTALLY first and physically (handle, passing, rotating on D, stamina). Look, I've watched Amare his whole career. When he is confident he is a MONSTER. He's mean, he's physical, he's ferocious and other guys HATE to play against him. He's not there yet, it's all mental. He remembers HOW HARD he had to work to get to this point. He is concerned with having setbacks, but he is starting to show the fearlessness and reckless abandon that was his trademark. He may remember the pain and the hard work, but he also remembers how to crush the rim... progress will come in chunks, just like his rookie year. He builds confidence in spurts, and I wouldn't be surprised if he has a 50 point game within the month (and a bunch of 6-8 point games as well). As the season moves on, Amare's gonna be fine, and in my opinion, he's not the story at all...

The BIG story last night to me was Boris Diaw!!! Big Boy showed up last night... he is finally getting rolling. He got a little fat this summer (but a good percentage of muscle gain, too) and he played ball all summer for France. He stalled out in the preseason and played pretty bad against the Fakers, but 3D woke up in the second half last night. It was very good to see!

In the first half he continued to play unselfishly (almost to a fault) by taking the ball right to the rim and dishing out, but he also is starting to show a nice stroke on the jumper. He played smarter D and simply turned it on in the second half... Boris has the ability to dominate a game when he chooses and he is getting better daily.

One concern from last night, well maybe concern isn't the right word, but... let's get Raja Bell rolling!!! He is the guy that needs to warm up. Sure, it's only two games in but the engine is misfiring on one piston at this point. Raja still brings the toughness, but we need some of that 43% 3pt shooting back... Of course, he'll be fine and I'm just being critical as hell because I want them to play perfectly (even though they never will)

Nice to see JJ (James Jones) hit some key shots and play a little D, Barbosa is our secret weapon and Coach D'Antoni has a wonderful problem he probably never has had before - TOO much talent! Oh yeah, we still have TWO #1 picks coming from Atlanta in the Joe Johnson (I still wish Joe all the luck) deal... I still giggle and get all giddy over that deal - it was like something you could only pull off in a video game, but it was real!!!

So the two LA teams (2 of the few teams with enough bigs to pester the Suns into slowing down) have had their chance at revenge from last year's playoffs... and another team with bigs and a slow-it-down mentality is on the horizon... The Jazz... then we get a rematch with the Clippers again in LA, then on to Dallas and San Antonio...

Coach D said the toughest stretch they have to deal with all year is the first 10 games (3 sets of back-to-back games) but at least 10 of the first 16 are at home... time to open up a division lead!

In other Suns related news, the Suns threw a minimum contract at free agent Jalen Rose (since he's already getting $16mil from New York); word is, he is also interested in the Miami Heat (we'll see if he changed his mind since the opening game in Miami); don't discount Detroit since Rose is a Motor City native.

Next game - Friday against the Utah Jazz - I like the Jazz, but they scare me a little. They are TOUGH and a Jerry Sloan team through and through. I think the Jazz are going to be the surprise team this year...

Game 1:Suns lose! 82-0 will be even tougher now!!!

Oct 31, 2006 - Los Angeles - Lose Angeles Fakers 114, Phoenix Suns 106 -Box Score

The Lakers won 114-106, coming back from a huge 41 point Suns First Quarter. Some quick notes:

Coach D'Antoni's not worried, I'm not worried; he claims he "hit the panic button" early and ran the lineup from last year out there too early after 2 back-to-back Amare Stoudemire turnovers in the Third Quarter that really swept the momentum to L.A., their young biggun' Andrew Bynum and their fans.

Lamar Odom killed the Suns from inside and when they switched Kurt Thomas to him to stop him inside, he nailed several 3 pointers. He played huge. We'll see how that pans out when Kobe gets back from his extended-for-some-unkown-reason (is he scurrrred by Raja Bell still??) knee rehab.

Leandro Barbosa played great last night, pumping in 30 points. His shot looked good, played excellent defense... that's your 2006-07 Sixth Man of the Year award winner right there, folks.

Amare Stoudemire had flashes of brilliance and moments of thud. One thunderous dunk for his first two points of the season, but his ballhandling skills looked BAD, still... he needs to get his head right, play the season and get into basketball shape in order to dominate. If he just plays with the system, he'll be fine until it's time to take over again (playoffs).

All in All, they're the Suns. This is what they do. When the shots don't fall, they're going to blow some big leads. They didn't play bad inasmuch as the Lakers played out of their minds, but this game should have never been close. Chalk it up to coming into th game with crazy expectations in their heads instead of the task at hand.

Game tonight AT HOME versus those Tim Thomas-signing Lose Angeles Clippers... Look for the Suns to pull to 1-1 on the season.

The NBA season is nearly upon us

I went to a preseason NBA game (for my 'birthday' with the wife and kids) between the Suns and the Kings last night and came away with these observations:

- The refs are REALLY cracking down on bitching about calls by assessing Technical Fouls for even unfavorable body language! There were 4 T's during the game for this very reason - A PRESEASON game!!! Steve Nash got a T just for throwing his hands out and gaping his mouth in disbelief after a bucket in a pleading manner for the foul call. At first I thought he said something to the ref, but the jumbotron replay clearly showed he said nothing, just made motions.

Later in the game, he DIDN'T get a T for passing the ball to the ref by kicking it. He may be the ONLY basketball player that will get away with that (it was a nice pass)

- Lucky me. I sat in front of 4 old yappy ladies who never shut up the entire game. My 3 yearold daughter even turned around at one point and "shushed" them! But I didn't mind. Apparently they all worked for some charitable organization at Cardinal and Coyotes games in Glendale and they allowed me to join in some of their 'inside conversations'.

Nothing really shocking: SURPRISE! The Bidwells are cheap and won't pay employees overtime pay. They also make employees park miles away and ship them into the stadium on un-airconditioned School buses (Good thing these teams play in the winter)! And Glendale Arena sold it's naming rights to Jobing.com, a local job search engine. Yippee!

But just to hear them banter about players, management and players was entertaining to me, at least! And they were HUGE Suns fans, (Suns earrings, sweatshirts, facepaint, etc) so that allowed me to tolerate them...

- Marcus Banks will be a great fit for the Suns. Dude is FAST and can lock 'em down on D. A lot of people questioned signing him, but I don't anymore...

- Leandro Barbosa is the slowest looking fastest dude ever! He is probably the fastest player in the league but he looks like he moves really slow... I guess it's because his arms are nine miles long... with the Brazilian Blur and Banks in at the same time, there was no answer. This team will throw so many dimensions at opponents this year. THE running team got FASTER!!!

- Amare looks healthy. He had some good explosion and never seemed to limp or run with an odd gait. He did get poked in the eye on one play and went down while the entire arena gasped thinking it was his knee. I think his knees are fine, but he has to get his handle back, let the game come to him and get the hell out of his own head. He also tried to do too much when he had the ball and had a few turnoveers, but he'll come around. I am no longer concerned with the physical, now I am concerned with how he responds mentally - once the season starts, he'll be Amare again.

- Boris Diaw is locked up to a 5 year deal. Phew! I am much happier today. I LOVE 3D and all he brings to this team. The Suns are a bunch of freek-unique players. Shawn Marion, Boris Diaw, Amare Stoudemire, Steve Nash, Leandro Barbosa - there is NO ONE in the league like ANY of these guys!!! Throw in Raja Bell's toughness, Kurt thomas' insane stares and tight D, Banks' speed, Jumaine Jones' ability to get dirty, James Jones shooting and spunkiness, and Pat Burke's ferocity off the bench as a 10-12th man... Can you say 2006-07 NBA Champion Phoenix Suns??? Start practicing now as this team is set for years to come!!!

- Diaw, Nash, Stoudemire, Barbosa, Marion, Bell, Banks, ALL locked up to long term deals, TWO Atlanta first rounders to come and a bench full of proud lunch pail guys... this team IS set!!! (Now, STAY HEALTHY, Y'ALL!!!)

- My daughter LOVES the Gorilla. Every time he came out to entertain, she lit up!!! (Guess what she's getting for Christmas) Of course, she loves primates and apes of all shapes and size. One time when I told her we were going to the store to get sea monkeys (as food for our aquariums) and she thought we were going to a "Monkey store" to SEE the monkeys... she was SO distraught. Especially after the store was out of sea monkeys... We'll just call them brine shrimp from now on.

- Before the game we went to TGI Friday's Front Row inside of Chase Field (Home of the Diamondbacks) for dinner. Both of the kids were awestruck when we sat on the balcony and the roof was open! Even though there was no game, still a great experience...

The D-Backs were holding some sort of "Be a D-Back for a day" fantasy camp and a bunch of rich scrubs dressed up like MLBers and took BP and shagged flies, etc. I gave them the 'real' treatment by booing and telling them the were overpaid, letting them know that my Grandmom has a better arm, etc... the stadium was mostly empty so I didn't need to yell. It was fun, the drinks were strong!

Worst part; some of these scrubs were swinging aluminum "lumber"!!! Ping! Ping! Ping! (and very few got out of the infield) Ina Major League Stadium... Unacceptable...

Props to Isiah!!!

Isiah puts someone in their place!!!

Say it while you still ahve someone paying attention to you!!!

(Of course, Anthony could return the favor by saying, I remember what kind of GM Isiah was")

Stiles' running blog of Cardinals- Bears game October 16, 2006

here's the link to the craziest nationally-covered NFL game this season

Mmmm... NBA preview Extravaganzalooza

Manny Stiles previews the 2006-2007 NBA season a la Sports guy but with the help of Homer Simpson. All references are to Homer's many "Mmmm...'s".

Teams previewed in order of Stiles predicted finish... x = division winner, y- playoff team

East -


Atlantic - Will the team that wins the division break .5oo?

New Jersey Nets - x = Mmmm... Elephant Fresh
From "Bart Gets an Elephant" - Homer thinks a bird is trying to kill Stampy until Lisa explains that it is merely grooming the pachyderm. When Marge informs Homie he has a bird on his head, he giggles and says "Mmmm... Elephant Fresh"

That's not a bird or a plane, it's half-man, half-a-season Vince Carter! Nenad Krstic showed some hope, Richard Jefferson is vastly overrated and Jason Kidd gets quite a bit more respect (only shot better than 41% ONE season - I can do that) than he deserves if you ask me. That being said, credit to him for logging 80 games played last season.

The Nets did a good job in the draft (Marcus Williams), kinda... (Josh Boone?)... Maybe Hassan Adams can pull a Gilbert Arenas and prove to the world that Arizona scoring guards are NOT second round material... maybe.


Philadelphia 76ers -y = Mmmm... Forbidden Donut
From "Treehouse of horror IV" - Homer makes a deal with the devil for a donut then eats the last forbidden piece late at night, thereby exchanging it for his soul.

Allen Iverson wasn't traded... Big surprise there. Chris Webber wasn't traded. Dalembert wasn't signed and traded, but the 76ers did sign my fellow former 9th floor Johnson Hall (Temple U) resident Ric Brunson!! Not a bad draft, the other AI, Andre Iguodala is pretty damned talented. Stephen Hunter isn't THAT bad and still on the way up (find me an athletic 7 footer, I'll find him a roster spot) and Kyle Korver needs a bigger posse.

Why the forbidden donut reference for the Sixers? Because the moment they trade Alley I, it's Charles Barkley all over again... They will be selling their soul and the jury of the damned won't include the "Broad Street Bullies", but a lot of Broad Street pissed off M-Fers...

Question. What are the Sixers without the Answer? Oh yeah, a BIG question. Why is there no one nicknamed "The Random Guess?"

How about this? I have them making the playoffs this year as a 7 or 8 seed. Why? Because.


Boston Celtics = Mmmm... Soylent Green
from "Itchy and Scratchy: the Movie", far in the future after Bart becomes a Supreme Court judge because Homer stuck to his punishment of a lifetime abn from the movie, they go together to see it and Homer overhears a man order soylent green with extra butter... (Not to be confused with another 'in the future' episode where a box of soylent green is on the breakfast table with the bonus "Now with more girls!" marketing ploy.)

I'm gonna shake my head from side to side for a bit... WHAT the hell is Danny Ainge doing? I hope he knows, because I don't... wait, maybe I do. Stockpiling assets, that's what. The C's are set to make some waves in the trade category. Why else was Paul Pierce NOT traded? They have what a college All-Star team should look like plus Wally World and "Many Tasers" Michael Olowokandi.

Unless there's a big move to be made, there's too much "eh?" on this roster to make a quality playoff team out of it.


Toronto Raptors = Mmmm... Purple
In "Homer defined" our hero goes poking through a box of jelly-filled donuts until he comes up with a flavor known around the world only as "purple".

Yeah, I know they ditched the sissy purple for manly red. Raptors, poor Raptors... you win the lottery in a year without a dead-on #1. Hey, trust Bryan Colangelo. He is every bit as good as you think he can be. While I'd normally laugh a guy off the planet for trading big for small, he filled needs by trading excess. Chris Bosh is quietly a true stud in the making and not just a cheap KG knock-off. T.J. Ford and FIBA hero Jose Calderon make a fast and decent PG rotation, the Rasho Nesterovic pickup is a smart move to cushion the NBA life smack in the face Andrea Bargnani is in for and should be a good mentor if nothing else. Morris Peterson will get traded soon on principle as he's the longest tenured Raptor and maybe Fred Jones can make some Canadians forget Air Canada. (ok...)

If anything, they're light years ahead of the Knicks and certainly can't be worse than they were last year, but just be prepared for Colangelo to make his own mark and revamp, retool and reset the roster several times before he gets comfortable.

New York Knicks = Mmmm... Fifty Dollar pretzel
From "Thirty Minutes Over Tokyo" When in Japan, at a Sumo match, Homer buys a pretzel and uses the good luck salt for the Sumo mat to "Americanize" it.

What is there LEFT to say about the Knicks... I knew what Isiah Thomas was doing WAY back when...

The roster is ugly and if you ask me, they were OVERACHIEVING last year. Five bucks says Zeke trades away all of his expiring contracts for worse ones before he gets fired... maybe he's trying to ruin the team on purpose! The dream of LeBron in the Big Apple isn't going to happen, so go back to sleep Knicks fans.



Central - Can all five teams make the playoffs??

Cleveland Cavaliers - x = Mmmm... Sixty-Four slices of American cheese
From "Rosebud", Maggie has Mr Burns' long lost Bobo and Burns and Smithers sneak into 742 Evergreen terrace late at night to steal it. Well, Homer foils their plans by sleep eating some cheese. Sixty-Four slices, one at a time until Waylon and C. Monty fall from the ceiling after waiting all night and leave emptyhanded.

The leap...2006-7, the season that LeBron went from ManChild to the Man. Everything is coming together for the Cavs. The Heat aren't as hungry, the Bulls aren't ready, the Pistons are slipping, no one is scared of the Nets and Orlando isn't there yet. Zydrunas Ilgauskas has a full season of dominance in him, Larry Hughes really can play a full season, Anderson Varejao is one of 'those dudes' you need to make a run and Drew Gooden should play to his potential one of these years.

Their draft was good, Shannon Brown and Daniel Gibson bring something to the table and there's plenty of veteran leadership to go around in Eric Snow, David Wesley, Donyell Marshall and Damon Jones.

I just feel it's their time to take the shot, they almost knocked out the Pistons last year. Now it's their turn!


Chicago Bulls -y = Mmmm... Foot long chili dog
Fom "The Last temptation of Homer" when Homer goes on a business trip with Mindy, he almost gets himself some side action.

The Bulls made the coup that could be seen from 4 months away. If you were surprised when the Bulls signed Ben Wallace, you weren't paying attention. Ben was brought in to help the Bulls get over the theoretical hump. But as history seems to jam one particular cliche in our face... the best laid plans, etc and so forth.
He seems like the missing piece, but...

Scott Skiles has this team playing hard, has lots of young, versatile talent and brought in P.J. Brown to tutor young #2 pick Tyrus Thomas. But Ben Gordon, Kirk Hinrich, Luol Deng and Chris Duhon just don't seem like enough to actually get over the hump to me. But still enough for Big Ben to rub it in Detroit's face for a year or two. In 3-4 years, the Bulls are going to HATE/regret his contract and very diminished skills.


Detroit Pistons -y = Mmmm... Business Deal.
Homer signs his name in blood in a deal with "Dracula" Burns in treehouse of Horror IV. That's what re-signing Ben Wallace to a 4 year deal would have ended up like for the Pistons. Yeah, it's gonna hurt in the short term (the Darko trade will hurt more in the long term) but "He's not THAT Big" Ben's skills will drop HARD real soon. He's 6'9" and can't shoot, he's getting slower and once his D goes (it's already starting) his jersey will have to come with extra holes for the forks.

What's REALLY gonna hurt the Pistons this year is 'Sheed and what he calls the "Sheed Rule" - apparently the NBA is cracking down on guys showing up the refs with body language and hand gestures, etc. I'll call it the "Stop Being a Whiny Bitch and Play Basketball Rule". 'Sheed thinks they made this rule for him. Yeah, 'Sheed, the world's out to get you... what ever happened to the Norf-Philly boy I used to watch play his ass off at Simon Gratz High? You used to emulate ultra-classy Gratz alum Aaron McKie, now you think you got the market cornered on bitching at refs... WAKE UP, ALL NBAers bitch at every call...

Can we get the fist bump/team meetings after every free throw banished next?


Indiana Pacers -y = Mmmm... Pistol Whip
From "Hunka Hunka Burns in Love" - Mr Burns' new girl Gloria gets kidnapped by her old beau Snake, with Homer as the hostage getaway driver. Gloria informs Snake she and Mr Burns are in love. Snake replies "Don't say that, baby. I'm going to win you back if I have to pistol-whip this guy all night."
Homer says "Mmmm... Pistol Whip" while seeing himself in a thought bubble eating whipped cream from the business end of a pistol. (My personal favorite "Mmmm... of Homer's)

Obvious choice... How many jokes can you make about Stephen Jackson's "0-5 shooting performance" the other night? It's all ok, since he has a license to carry, but here's a question? How does a guy on probation get to keep his license to carry?

Are the Pacers are turning into the Blazers East? Not much good to say since they essentially got nothing for Ron-Ron. How much longer before they turn Jermaine O'Neal into nothing too? I feel a trade in Indy is imminent. How will Al Harrington and Marquis Daniels fit in? Who's gonna take the game over when needed? Expect shake ups and roster shuffling galore. the team is in flux and headed in the not-so-right direction. Larry Bird and Rick Carlisle deserve better, but here we are...


Milwaukee Bucks = Mmmm... Memo.
From "Das Bus" when Homer starts his own 'company' and has a stick of butter as his pencil holder... Larry Harris made some nice moves for quality depth and got rid of two pieces he replaced with more depth; Ruben Patterson and Brian Skinner can give you something, and a plethora of PGs will soften the loss of speed demon T.J. Ford (who they traded for a serviceable big to replace an quickly falling off Jamaal Magloire!)

Bucks fans, I don't think you're going to be the 5th Central team in the playoffs this year, but the future is bright!


Southeast - Young division, old division leaders

Miami Heat -x = Mmmm... the Land of Chocolate
From "Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk'', Homer tells the new plant owners the candy machine is broken and the Germans tell Homer "We are from the land of chocolate" and he drifts off...

Attention, Heat! The confetti and ticker tape is gone. Your reign is over, the 15 strong got their rings and rebuilding is but a year or two away.

The Heat will be getting old quickly, yeah they still have MJ Jr, whathisname? Dwyane Wade? They won't be as motivated this year (an unmotivated Diesel is never a good thing), ALL the teams will be gunning for them but they will still be 15 strong enough to hold top seed in the East, but I don't think that'll be enough to get them back to the Finals.


Orlando Magic -y = Mmmm... Something
From "Another Simpsons Clip Show" after showing 6-7 clips of Homer doing Mmmm's they throw in a last one, something!

It's a good time to be a Magic fan (maybe...) They have a SuperStud in the making in Dwight Howard, a potential stud if he realizes his potential studness in Darko Milicic (who turned a whopping 21 years old this summer), a decent Carlos Arroyo and a surprisingly better than I thought he'd be Jameer Nelson. Don't forget they have everyone's favorite Dukie, J.J. Redick.

Mad cap space around the corner with grant Hill's contract expiring after this season, and Orlando is a favorable destination for NBAers it seems. But if Darko blows up, that cap space is all gone!

Hedo Turkoglu is good sometimes and I ALWAYS enjoy watching Bo Outlaw's smile. Don't underestimate what Bo brings to a locker room. If it wasn't for some kind of hidden curse on this franchise (Fran Vasquez, Grant's ankle, all the All-Stars leave) I'd pick them to go further... maybe next year, but for this year... PLAYOFFS!


Washington Wizards = Mmmm... Free Goo
From "Boy Scoutz in the Hood" - Homer finds a wad of pre-chewed bubble gum

Gilbert Arenas is a top 10 player, Antawn Jamison is pretty good and occasionally very good and Caron Butler can play, too. But what the hell is the rest of this roster? Calvin Booth? Antonio Daniels? Free goo.

There's not much to say about the Wizards. At least they were smart enough to not match the Knicks offer for Jarred Jefferies!


Charlotte Bobcats = Mmmm... Open faced club sandwich
From "Scenes from the Class Struggle in Springfield" Homer is golfing with Mr Burns and it's suggested that Homer use an open faced sand wedge to hit it from the rough.

A golf scene from the Simpsons is fitting for Michael Jordan's second go-around as an exec. The team is young and I'm not sure they have a direction at this point. Young talent needs to develop. I like Gerald Wallace alot, Primoz Brezec is an up and comer for the last 4 years and Emeka Okafor is solid. Brevin knight isn't as good as the stats say and Raymond Felton is BETTER than the stats say. It'll be fun to see if Adam Morrison's game translates to the NBA as well as everyone seems to think. I'm skeptical in the way that I think he'll be ok, but won't be surprised if he ends up sucking.

Of course, they have one of the ugliest logo/team color combos in pro sports, so they got that going for them.


Atlanta Hawks = Mmmm... Cupcake
from "Bart the General" - Lisa makes cupcakes for a teacher, Bart calls her a buttkisser. omer then takes a cupcake and explains to Bart that buttkissing isn't such a bad thing.

This team shouls change their name to the cupcakes! Man, I feel bad for Billy Knight. I'm not saying he's a smart guy, but he tries to do the best he can and he deserves better than to be handcuffed by retarded ownership. I still root for Joe Johnson, but that deal was a Godsend to my Suns (2 more 1st rounders coming!). They better hope Shelden Williams pans out, because on the surface...what as tupid pick at #5. Marvin Williams has Superstar potential if he can keep his head on straight and Josh Smith is better than you think! They're still REALLY bad, but better than they were and maybe better than they should be...



West-

Southwest - Is this the best division in the NBA?

San Antonio Spurs -x = Mmmm... grapefruit
"Brother from the Same Planet" - Homer tells his "little brother" Pepe stories of how evil Bart is.
Homer: Son, I just want you to know I love you very much.
Bart: [shoves a half grapefruit in Homer's face] Shut up! [end of flashback]
Homer: Mmmmmm... grapefruit.

Grapefruit because that's how this season will end up, like a grapefruit shoved in their face.
Once Tony Parker and Eva "overrated pixie o'the moment" Longoria break up, the Spurs season will be a complete bust... wait, I mean when they get swept out of the playoffs by the Suns the sting will set in!

Alright, Tim Duncan will revert to steady. Michael Finley was supposedly D U N a few years back, he really is, now. Same for Big Hype Robert Horry. Fabricio Oberto is another in a long line of Spurs International players to surprise the hell out of me, but other than that, this team isn't as good as Spurs teams of the past. A well rested, healthy and focused Tim Duncan could make the rest of this roster irrelevant... he may need to this year!

Dallas Mavericks -y = Mmmm... Pointy
from "A Fish called Selma" he eats the cake decoration at Selma and Troy McClure's wedding thinking it was made of icing. It wasn't.

The oh-so-close Mavericks were assured the Championship after dispatching the Spurs, remember? Then the Suns wore them out and the Heat and the 6,000 fouls on Dwyane Wade finished them off. Mark Cuban has his work cut out for him this year. No one will disregard the Mavs and Dirk Nowitski's long summer of carrying Germany may wear on him late in the season.

Resigning Jason Terry was the Mavs only option. Snagging lucky-ass Devean George may pay some dividends or he may stink up all of Texas. Of course, I am a big Josh Howard fan - he would have been a difference maker for Team USA.

My whole O!F theory was originated with my take on Jerry Stackhouse last year. Nice player, gets points, plays a little dirty, but he isn't a scary guy. He isn't going to beat you singlehandedly in a series.DeSagana Diop was a nice Free Agent pickup last year and should continue to develop and let's see if Anthony johnson can put up 40 points against a Western Conference foe in the playoffs.

A let down season after getting so close, then next year, Cuban says F it all and goes Steinbrenner on the NBA!

NO/OK Hornets -y = Mmmm... Hog fat
From "Lisa's first words" Homer and Marge are looking for a house to buy but realize the houses the can afford are in "iffy" neighborhoods, including one right next to a rendering plant leading Homer to utter "Mmmm... Hog fat"

My surprise team of '06-07 won't be much of a surprise. They gelled towards the end of last year, they have 35 guaranteed sellouts in OKC and 6 hopefully sold out games scheduled in Floodtown. They picked up Tyson Chandler who clearly needed a change of scenery. Chris Paul is the best American point guard playing today. Bobby Jackson is minute for minute one of the baddest dudes in basketball. Signing Peja Stojakavic was a nice coup and he should thrive on this team. David West is a stud in the making and even OSU favorite son Desmond Mason has All-Star potential. Byron Scott has a team that suits him pretty well, I think.

From bottom dweller to playoff participant in 2 and 1/2 seasons, not bad! (Atlanta, this could have been you!)

Memphis Grizzlies -y = Mmmm... Pie Pants

From "She of Little Faith" Homer helps Milhouse and Bart build a backyard rocket.
Milhouse says to Bart "I didn't know you're Dad was so interested in science"
Homer: "Science!?"
Bart: "Uh, he didn't say, 'science.' He said, 'pie pants.'"
Mmmm, pie pants.

You know, alot of people say Jerry West is a genius. I can only retort to that sentiment with two words... Jake Tsuckalotis...I mean Jake Stiffalotis... I mean Jake Tsakalidis. Just kidding (no, I'm not)

I'm a big Eddie Jones fan since the days of sharing Sports Admin. classes together at Temple Univ. WAY back in the early 90's. He is a seriously quality human and a pretty good basketball player to boot. Rudy Gay might end up the best player of the 2006 draft. Mike Miller gets to play his game now and Hakim Warrick should continue to develop into a human flyswatter. But everyone knows their whole season comes down to Pau gasol coming back healthy and strong.

A lot of people will bitch about him getting hurt playing for Spain, but it may actually help him since he'll be in prime playing shape when the playoffs are rolling instead of being worn out from summer b-ball and a whole season of busting ass against the tough West Power Forwards.

They still make it in as my pick for 8th seed just ahead of...


Houston Rockets = Mmmm... salty
From "Lisa's Pony", Homer steals a beef jerky while at work at the Kwikee Mart to pay for Princess' stable fees.

Rockets fans will be salty when they realize Bonzi Wells, Juwan Howard and Shane Battier are fighting it out as the third option. Of course, health (notice a theme here?) is THE most important factor for a team counting on 2 BIG guns, Tracy McGrady and Yao Ming. Ming seemed to break through a plateau at the end of the season, but we'll see how carrying China on his back with the Olympics getting closer every day will affect him.

McGrady, when 100% may be the best player in the league. So that's like 30-40 games over the last 6 years he's been the best player in the league? To be fair, he tries to play hurt (75+ games played 5 of the last 7 years) and maybe that's his problem! He's 27 years old and good for 25+ppg in the middle of the night.


Northwest - Bad, worse and cursed

Minnesota Timberwolves -x = Mmmm... Marshmallows
from "There's No Disgrace like Home", a season one as the Family is headed to a company picnic at Mr Burns' house, Marge makes jello with marshmallows.

This division is going to suck again this year. Why do I think the T-Wolves will win the Northwest? Dee-fault (the 2 sweetest words in the English language). Big ticket is ready to rip it up and the talent is there. Rashad McCants really McCan! Randy Foye will be alright.

It just seems like the hangover from the Latrell/Cassell debacle is gone and it's time for this team to get healthy for a change. Also, I have a gut feeling a big trade will land a stud in the Twin Cities by the All-Star break... Starbury? The Answer? Richard Jefferson? Paul Pierce? Whoever it is will separate them from the rest of the slackpack in this division.

In other T-Wolf news... Vin Baker is back for more! Maybe he can give some "guidance" to "Pulling a" Eddie Griffin...


Denver Nuggets = Mmmm... Urinal Fresh
From "And Maggie Makes Three", Homer recalls his job at the Bowling Alley. He sprays the rental shoes "Mmmm... bowling fresh" then he puts new urinal cakes (a Simpson's mainstay item) in the bathroom...

Hello, Denver. Prepare for a maddening season. I like some of the talent, but there's too much of similar talent at the wrong places. I like Nene, but how will he respond this year? Reggie Evans, Joe Smith, and problem child/wannabe tough guy Kenyon Martin all are paid more than they're worth

Just another gut feeling here, but if you thought last year's injuries were bad enough, something tells me this year might "hurt" worse. Wet Paper Towel Marcus Camby and pencil thin Julius Hodge are injury risks, but what if Earl Boykins or (yeah, I'll say it) USA ballhog Carmelo Anthony go down for an extended period of time?

This team is no longer a good fit for Furious George Karl and the wheels could be flying off by Christmas. Of course, in this division EVERYONE could get hurt and they'd still battle for third!


Utah Jazz = Mmmm... Unexplained Bacon
From "Treehouse of Horror XII" when the Simpsons purchase 'Ultrahouse 3000 who falls in lust with Marge and tries to lure Homer to his death with midnight bacon...

How does Jerry Sloan do it? Look at their roster! This team went .500 last year. Salt Lake City is a nice enough town but he squeezes every bit out of every player or he kicks them out. Carlos Boozer better show up this year or the Duke curse gets cranked up another notch...

Andrei Kirilenko is a total stud - in basketball, fantasy basketball and life - ENOUGH about his wife's 'deal' already; in case you didn't know, she's a huge pop singer in Russia, and I'm SURE she has her share of "groupies" too, so she understands what he goes through on the road.

Despite some minor upgrades ( is Rafael Araujo Sloan's next Greg Ostertag/whipping boy?), a healthy Matt Harpring, another year of seasoning from Mehmet Okur (check his stats vs. Tim Duncan's last year) and a wily free agent signing (Derek Fisher) they'll end up around .500 again and JUST out of the playoffs...


Seattle Supersonics = Mmmm... strained peas
From "Homer Alone" - Marge goes crazy and Homer gets to watch the kids. While feeding Maggie he tries to show her how good baby food is, then devours it all.

Strained Peace is a good way to describe this franchise's situation. Where will they end up? I don't know but the Hornets are probably pissed that the Sonics are moving in on the rabid OKC.

This team is in trouble. Ray Allen is all world and can win any game, any given night by himself, but the front office is a mess, Bob Hill has his hands full of unseasoned 7 footers and I'm not on the Chris Wilcox bandwagon at all... Luke Ridnour took a step backwards getting whooped in the World Championships and Rashard Lewis is their most movable chip (Bye bye, Rashard!)

It's gonna be a sad season in the Emerald City. At least they're not the Blazers!


Portland Trailblazers = Mmmm... Incapacitating
From the Springfield Connection, Marge becomes a cop. Homer takes her pepper spray and says "Oh, Marge, one squirt and you're south of the border!"

The Jailblazers of old metamorphasizing into Steve Patterson's version of a crappier, younger, less talented and fan friendlier version of the Jailblazers? Man, they get screwed in the lottery and still end up with a seemingly good draft with LaMarcus Aldridge and Brandon Roy. Couple them with Martell Webster, Sergio Rodriguez, Travis outlaw and Jarret Jack and you have one HELL of an AAU team! Juan Dixon and Dan Dickau are the 'veterans' in the backcourt...

With the foul stench of off the court issues still wafting throughout the Rose Garden, one small misstep by a young buck acting his age will bring it all back... is 25 wins even possible?


Pacific - Home of the MVP

Phoenix Suns -x = Mmmm... Beer
From several episodes. Homer loves beer, I love the Suns.

Message to the league: Amare is #1. Not just in your heart and on your replica jersey, but on the court. Rumors, innuendo and attitude adjustments galore this week. In the course of one week STAT went from "shutting it down" to being a Man-Beast again in training camp over there in Mike D'Antoni's old haunt - Italy. Amare said yesterday he's ready to go at it and even if there's a few setbacks here or there, Amare at 75% is better than 98% of the rest of the league. Watch out!

The Suns need only one thing to make the 1st banner hang from the Purple Palace... health. Reigning back-to-back MVP Steve Nash's back has been iffy at times, human pogo stick Shawn Marion has been playing nicked and bruised for 3 years now, Kurt Thomas is a great fit beside Amare and needs to provide a healthy season (if he doesn't get dealt first) and knock down the 15 footers and Amare will wreak havoc on heads.

The speed (Leandro Barbosa, Marcus Banks), the toughness (Raja Bell, Jumaine Jones) and the shooting (James Jones, Eric Piatkowski) is there. Lest I forget my main man "3D" Boris Diaw, he does it all. Get Steve Nash rolling and open shots will be aplenty. The Suns 'lull' you into running up and down the court and you end up playing their game, a game they play very well.

Say what you want about defense. The Suns are WAY better defenders than you think. They just lead the league in pace values and shoot way more shots than any other team so in turn the 'stats' get inflated. The weakness is supposedly rebounding, but like Mike D'Antoni always says, you can give up 5 rebounds in one half-court set and hold a team to zero points. Me thinks a healthy STAT and Crazy Eyes Kurt would swing those numbers in the Suns favor more...

Sacramento Kings -y = Mmmm... sprinkles
Comes up a couple times even as a weapon ("I'm blinded by a horrible rainbow!") but this one refers to "Treehouse of Horror VI" when Lard Lad and other mascots become real and terrorize the town, the only way to stop them is to not look at them doing their advertising. Lard Lad is the last Ad standing and he has a donut for Homer to look at.


Los Angeles Clippers -y = Mmmm... Apple
From "Boy Scoutz in the Hood" - Bart learns how to set traps and homer falls for the old apple on a blanket over the hole in the driveway trick.

See a Clippers fan sees last year, a healthy Elton Brand, Sam Cassell being loved instead of loathed, Chris Kaman as one of the FEW true big men in the league. Maybe Corey Maggette can play all season, maybe Shaun Livingston can take the next step up the ladder, maybe Tim Thomas will play like the 26 games he played as a Sun instead of the 577 games he played as a completely overpaid, bad attituded underachiever, maybe Aaron Williams was a good pickup... maybe that Apple pie is on a blanket over a big hole.

Hey, at least you're NOT the Lakers!


Los Angeles Lakers = Mmmm... Beer Nuts
From "A Star is Burns" Homer has the old trick snakes in a can ready for guest the Critic Jay Sherman. Of course, he says "Mmmm... beer nuts", then wants one so bad he opens the can, gets hit with the snakes and is sad there's no beer nuts inside.

This one's for you, Lakers. You think you've got a playoff team, but you just wait 'til you open that can and see what's inside. A bunch of crappy spring snakes and one Mamba (here's a tidbit for you... a black mamba's bite can be fatal but is often not fatal as they are inaccurate strikers and the venom tends to paralyze it's victims not kill them; and there is an anti-venom for mamba venom - Raja Bell!)

Remember the days when Phil Jackson had a kidney stone removed and he called it "Kobe" because it was a real pain in the backside and wouldn't pass? Kobe is going to have to carry this squad again, but this time, old 24 ain't gonna have the gas in the tank... he's worn out from still making it up to his babealicious wife for going backdoor on Skanky Kate. That's right, I'll never let it go as long as he's a Laker... Surprise surprise, I have similar disdain for the Lakers as I do the Yankees... except I secretly can tolerate the Yanks... F the Lakers!!!

Yeah, I'm sure Vladimir Radmanovic won't revert to "not playing for a contract" status, they won't miss good luck charm Devean George and Smush Parker can repeat his once upon a time season. I like Lamar Odom, but he needs a change of scenery for sure... keep hearing Utah rumors?

I am curious about two things: How well will Andrew Bynum develop? And whatever happened to Kwame Brown's sexual assault case? I know it was dropped, but what was the REAL story? I remember when David Aldridge broke the story, he kept saying an unnamed "person" was allegating the charges. Not woman or female, "Person"... kinda goes right along with what Michael Jordan called the Kwamster in Washington...


Golden State Warriors = Mmmm... Crumbled up cookie things
From "Lisa the Greek", Homer tries to teach Lisa that gambling makes things better. A football game is like ice cream -
Homer: You like ice cream, don't you?
Lisa: Uh huh.
Homer: And don't you like ice cream better when it's covered with hot fudge? And mounds of whipped cream? [getting carried away] And chopped nuts? And, ooh, those crumbled-up cookie things they mash up? Mmm... Crumbled-up cookie things

This one fits because you look at the roster and you see lots and lots of crumbled up cookie bits; young talent, athletic bigs, Jason Richardson, Baron Davis, Mickael Pietrus, Ike Diagu, Mike Dunleavy and even a Dajuan Wagner trying a huge comeback! But where's the ice cream?

Nellie Ball is back in the bay! Don Nelson has his cushy return as a hero and next to none REAL expectations and longest current career without a playoff appearance Adonal Foyle to motivate. Nellie is going to run like the Suns (after all, they're running like he always did - Knicks not included). Even if everything goes right for this squad, is there ANYONE out there that doesn't assume they're not going to the playoffs?

Predictions - Drumroll please...

MVP - LeBron James (in tight voting over Nash and Garnett)
Rookie of the Year- Rudy Gay
Top Scorer (ppg) - Gilbert Arenas
Top Rebounder - Kevin Garnett
Comeback player of the Year (if it was still an award) - Amare Stoudemire
Coach of the Year - Dwayne Casey
Finals MVP - Steve Nash

Suns over the Cavaliers in the NBA Finals in 5 games. See ya in June!

And there you have the Manny Stiles 2006-07 NBA Preview !!!


reference: http://www.snpp.com/guides/mmmm.html