Getting Oral

There are two definitions of the word Oral. The first, primary meaning is "uttered; spoken" and the second meaning "of or by the mouth". So this relates to BOTH, you sickos!

Hey, I think Tim Duncan is the best basketball player on the planet today (Yes, Kobe, Yes MJ, yes, Bill Russell, this includes you guys too). I've said it for a few years now, look it up. He has amazingly long arms, fast hands and a super soft touch around the basket. At roughly 7 feet tall, his skill set is less frequent than once-a-generation.

That being said, Timmy gets the verbal love almost non-stop whenever the Spurs are on a national TV game. Whenever the TV color guys (usually a former player that played against Duncan) start assessing or analyzing his play it all sounds like this to me:

"Hey that Tim Duncan. What a player! I wish he'd come over here so I could felate him right now. Yup. That's right Tim; right over "man crush" stage, into the I just want to blow you and pleasure you stage. That's what I think of Tim Duncan. Amazing post play, your coverage down low, your backdoor penetration. Who wouldn't want to play with a guy like that"

Then the play-by-play guy always comes in with something like:

"Yeah, you can see why he commands so many double teams! I mean... he has such a soft touch around the rim."

Then it inevitably goes too far...

"Yes, Timmy... you can bankshot one off of my glass!"

Can someone call a double dribble violation on these guys? I mean seriously. The worst part is they go on and on like we DON'T know Tim Duncan is one of the planet's best, we need to be reminded apparently.

So in lieu of this new pondermeant, I suggest calling this phenomenon "Getting Oral"

"Getting Oral" in pure definition is not to be considered good or bad. It's not something that's deserved or not. It's just something that occurs. A person with a microphone and a camera nearby can only compliment a person so far before they get to the point where physically satisfying the subject is all that's left. A player does well, the announcers blither-blather and pours on profusely until you're screaming at your favorite soul-snatching inanimate object (The TV:

"ENOUGH; just go blow the guy already!"

I think it might happen EVERY game in fact, or at least all the games with crappy announcers. The best player in the game makes a play and then "blah-slobber-blah-drool-blah-blah-kissyface-blah" about said player through the next three sequences of play ALL of which were incredibly interesting to YOU, but not the knobpolishers and bonesmugglers on the microphone.

DOESN'T this help to explain the "Tim Duncan face/hands behind the head thing...?

Then the action stops and they cut to commercial. But before they go, they always wrap it up with a video replay of some action in that previous segment. Well, because 7 of the 11 minutes of TV time was spent with TD "Getting Oral", the moron in the truck runs the TD clip that initiated the oral instead of the 3 amazing plays that occurred while oral was taking place.

This just needs to end. Call the game, not a moment in the History of Humanity by declaring a person's Greatness. Afterall, their just a person like us that eats, sleeps, shits and has the same tribulations of the Human Condition as we do. They just Get more Oral...

Sometimes the Oral gets ridiculous. I know some people will close their minds and refuse to hear me out here, but Cal Ripken Jr playing so many freeking games in a row wasn't REALLY worth the slobbering that was doled out. Streaks are bogus feats. I'm not saying they're unimpressive, I'm saying they are mostly luck. And for the millionth time: I'll take the guy who plays great 8 or 9 out of 10 games and has a crappy game or misses a game every so often over the guy who does just enough to maintain a streak. (56 game hitting streaks are even MORE bogus)

Again, Cal Ripken Jr is a fantastic human being. Has done a ton for his community and has touched millions. And yeah, he hit a Home Run in the game on top of it. Just like he hit a home run 430 other times. But there really were 17 other guys on the field 2,030 other times that made it possible for Cal to beat another fantastic human's record... let's hear about them, too.

And of course, there are times where the Oral Love is commanded. I remember back to my dropped-out-of-college days when after a few rounds with Barry Bongs in the basement, I was having a religious experience during a Chiefs game. I wasn't sure if the announcer Giving the Oral was talking about:

Joe Montana, Chiefs Quarterback, 3-time Super Bowl MVP, or

Joe Montana, GOD, creator of all, taking time from his busy schedule balancing all the alternate realities in human form living out it's dreams as a BIG TIME QB on the big stage...

BUT the Chiefs did win on an amazing game and it was directly because of Bird Legs that they won, who wasn't bothered much and then went to his room to masturbate.

Don't get me wrong, don't misinterpret. This is not an expose on human sexuality. This is not a rip on Tim Duncan or Cal Ripken Jr. or Joe Montana. I'm a fan of each. It's not their fault that Television Announcing as an art form has yet to move beyond it's Archaeic Period. It's not their fault that their platform vaulted them to being percieved as "better than human".

For most people, it touches us in our human existence. Fame, glory, fanship that delves into worship... the energies and forces behind these correspond very closely with sexual desires and conquest. You're either giving it or getting it.

But you Mr and Mrs Announcers... We, the fans are only listening to you because we are watching. Until we have broadcasts like we're AT the game with NO announcers, Full crowd noise and in game mics with NO CENSORSHIP please - we know that athletes and sailors curse already... it's widely accepted (and why flood the lip reading market talent pool?)

So until the glorious day that I give out all hope on pro sports, we get a TRUE fan's experience at home or You Damned Announcers learn to ease up on Giving Oral, I'll just keep needling the AM dial and hoping the Givers of Oral there do it the right way... with A LOT less words.